Just a little bit of happiness
by pixiecullen
Summary: What would have happened if Bella had not gone cliff diving that fateful day in New Moon? Would she have accepted Jacob as more than a friend? And how will Edward react? R&R... you know you want to. Please.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Jacob had promised me cliff diving, hadn't he? Just because he was unavailable, should I have to give up the distraction I needed so badly-needed even worse because Jacob was out risking his life? I stared out at the sea again. The cliffs looked so small from here. A sharp wind iced it's way through my jacket and I shivered. Not today. Not without Jake.

What else could I do to hear his voice? I walked back to my truck. Motorbikes didn't arouse his voice anymore, what could I do that would be dangerous? I searched my mind for dangerous activities, but came up blank. There was a time when danger found me. Now it seemed I had an addiction- to search for it… need it. The hole ached again as I felt disappointment wring me again. I so needed his voice. My truck was in my drive without me consciously planning to drive home. I sat in the kitchen for a moment before I felt darkening thoughts begin to settle. I needed to do something- I couldn't sit around and let my thoughts engulf me. I straightened my legs again and headed for my truck. I drove back to the beach. No amazing ideas for trouble had found me yet. I needed to be creative. But the need, the urgency for the velvet voice had smothered my mind with a black fog.

I trudged back to the beach slowly. The stones were shiny and dark. It was raining. My eyes strained out to the sea, but I could only see a few hundred meters out. Suddenly I saw a light- was it a light? It was quite like fire, except not quite, yet on the water. How odd. A chill seeped slowly up my legs, paralysing me. It grew up to my arms, freezing me with a painful cold sensation. The fire was getting closer. I realised I recognised it before I knew what it was.

Not what.

Who.

Victoria emerged from the water, her hair wet yet somehow static enough that it still floated around her face. Her teeth were bared in a predatory smile, and I would have run, if I were not as paralysed as the rock beneath me. She took a deep breath and I flinched.

_You always smell better in the rain._

My breath stuttered and Victoria laughed but I had relaxed. His voice was back. I could see it in her eyes that she meant to kill me, and I knew I was in no way strong enough to escape. But if his voice was here, I would be happy to die slowly.

_You are not going to die._

My eyes stung lightly. There were too many promises he'd broken.

_I won't let it happen._

My lungs struggled to grab the air around me as I blinked the tears away. I looked up into Victoria's face, suddenly inches from my own.

"Why did he leave you?" Her voice shocked me. I expected a feline growl, yet a high American soprano fell from her lips. Her words shook me.

"At least you have felt some of the pain I have. I can only hope Edward will too."

**Edward**

**EDWARD**

My mind, having carefully tiptoed around his name for months finally clung to it and yelled it in my head.

**EDWARD**

The velvet voice, the cold white fingers,

**EDWARD** **EDWARD**

The clear echo of his voice, so sweet with reproach,

**EDWARD** **EDWARD** **EDWARD**

His face, blank and distant, his words, those words…

_BELLA_

The tears were streaming from my eyes, the hole in my heart ripping at my chest, tearing my lungs, I barely noticed Victoria's voice taunting me more, my hands strangled my ribs, choking my lungs yet still not filling the consuming black hole inside me. My knees gave way and I fell to the ground still with my arms wrapped around my chest. My face fell like a rock onto the cold beach stones.

_BELLA_

I saw her hands reach out towards me, slowly, sadistically, in the corner of my streaming eyes.

_Bella_

Suddenly the stones under my head trembled and I heard a ripping throaty growl. My body was no longer curled up on the stones, and I was in someone's arms. I looked up. Jacob's. Obviously. With blurry vision, I saw the flames dart across the water a second before it disappeared and I moaned with pain. The hole throbbed again and I pressed my cold teary face against Jacob's chest. I saw some dark shapes disappear into the forest. I hadn't even registered Jacob's brothers. Jacob sat on an old sea bleached tree with me still cradled in his arms. The incredible warmth of his body was somehow so comforting yet did nothing to the pain. My memory still echoed his name in Victoria's tones. Victoria. I shuddered yet knew I had welcomed death. Whatever pain she thought she was suffering it was nothing to what her words had inflicted on me. It took weeks of Jacob to pad up that hole, not fix it but stifle it, ignore it. Jacob.

He was silently rocking me, stroking my hair, smoothing it off my face and gently wiping away my tears. His eyes were clear windows and I saw the pain I was causing him. I tried to stifle my sobs, locking my jaw so my lungs jerked to drag air through my throat and I gasped and shuddered. But I stopped. The hole still chafed and my eyes still streamed but I tried to stifle the pain on my face, because I could not stand Jacob's too. He stood up and walked back through the wood. The rocking of his step soothed my breath more, and my eyes began to close. I welcomed it. I did not know how long Jacob held me while I sobbed but I knew it had exhausted my system. I could only hope my hole would feel better when I awoke.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

"I'm so sorry Bella. We should have got there faster." I didn't want to look into Sam's eyes.

"Sam, really it's fine. I'm glad…" I looked at Jacob and shuddered, "that you didn't get too close. I still don't think-"

"Please, Bella, come off it. We're perfectly able to fight her. Our pack against one vampire is no problem. Her speed is the only problem we've faced but we're going to catch her." Jacob laughed confidently and his brothers joined in.

"But Jake-" But Sam interrupted.

"Look, Bella. You are our responsibility and Victoria is a danger to you. You will not be able to talk us out of fighting her. I'm sorry about what happened yesterday. But… I have to ask, did she hurt you?"

I looked at Jacob. Sam must know about the hole deep in my chest from Jacob's thoughts. I took a deep breath and whispered, looking at the floor, unable to meet the werewolves' eyes.

"She said his name." I vaguely heard a snort but it abruptly stopped. Silence filled Emily's kitchen. Jacob sat next to me and put his arm around me. I hadn't realised my arms had wrapped around my ribs until my breathing came in dry sobs. Air jerked down into my lungs, shaking me. Emily sat on my other side and placed her hand over mine. My hand was gripping my side but the gesture was still comforting. I knew my love for a- well, it wasn't really understood here but I needed the comfort and could appreciate somewhere that it was hard for them to offer. My breathing calmed again slowly, and I heard Paul, Jared and Embry leave. When my breathing was slow and even and I managed to lift my head to look at Emily her scarred face was comforting yet mixed with slight pain and… anger? Maybe I was just imagining that. I knew Jacob's face would show more pain, more anger.

"Thank you." My mouth was dry and I whispered it but Emily smiled painfully and got up. Sam left with her. I turned to look at Jacob. His face was worse than I imagined. Fierce protectiveness and anger did not hide the pain that softened his features. I leaned my cheek against his warm chest, and my tears fell on him. His hand stroked my hair, then followed down to my cheek, to my chin. His little finger caught a tear as it fell there and he sighed. I looked at him. His face softened until I knew it bared some reflection of mine- my pain, his pain, and it hurt more to know how it hurt him too. Then, as neither of us looked away, his expression changed. My mind realised wordlessly why and I froze. Jacob didn't seem to realise. His hand held my chin more firmly, and his other arm was still around me.

"Bella," he whispered.

I was frozen.

No! I hadn't made this decision yet. I didn't know if I could do this and I was out of time to think. But I would have been a fool if I thought rejecting him now would have no consequences.

I stared back at him. He was not my Jacob, but he could be. His face was familiar and beloved. In so many real ways, I did love him. He was my comfort, my safe harbour. Right now, I could choose to have him belong to me.

But I wasn't whole. Someone had taken me first and broken me. My heart was lost, a hole forever opening and ripping at my chest. I could no longer feel it beating. I was damaged. Was it fair to Jacob to trade his heart, his whole worthy heart, with the empty space that could only be filled by his smiles. He would always know he had never had my heart. True love was forever lost. The prince was never coming back to kiss me awake from my enchanted sleep, return my heart. I was not a princess, after all. So what was the fairy-tale protocol for other kisses? The mundane kind that didn't break any spells?

Maybe it would be easy- like holding his hand or having his arms around me. Maybe it would feel nice. Perhaps it would heal the hole better than his company did. Maybe it wouldn't feel like betrayal. But who was I betraying anyway? Just myself.

Keeping his eyes on mine, Jacob began to bend his face toward me. And I was still undecided.

His lips touched mine, gentle and soft. The warmth of them sent a jolt of emotion down my spine, shock? Recognition? Sadness? And… just a little bit of happiness. He was hesitant his eyes were locked on mine, looking for permission. Then he leaned back again. It was brief yet very, very sweet. His hand released my chin and wrapped around me again, to hold my hand which I realised had fallen from my chest. He realised too, and held me tighter. The calmness and happiness I felt surprised me, yet still tears filled my eyes where he could not see and spilled down my cheeks. I did not want to explore why.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

By now they would all know. Jacob was out running with his pack while I waited at Emily's for him to come back. She suggested going out but I knew he wouldn't be long. I just wanted didn't know how I could face the pack when they came back as well. Emily and I were preparing their dinner, with about thirty potatoes and five pieces of meat. It kept me busy and filled the silence I wasn't inclined to fill. Emily could probably tell what had happened and was respectful enough not to ask. We cleaned, peeled, boiled, mashed, sliced and it kept my thoughts occupied, for which I was grateful. Finally everything was in a pan or oven, to be served in twenty minutes, when we were expecting the boys back.

I went and stood outside, leaning against the wall. I thought of the happiness that lit me up when I was with Jacob, and it helped me ignore the sadness that came with the progress in my moving on. I found moments without Jacob worse now and concentrated on him, how he smiled radiantly at me after we kissed, how his eyes crinkle when he laughs, the way the floor shakes when he laughs and-

"Bella?" The door was opening and Jacob came out. He took in my stance- not holding myself together as I usually was when he found me. He smiled widely and caught me up in his huge arms. He reached his head down slowly, and kissed me softly and briefly.

_No_.

I started. Louder than I'd ever heard it before- even when I thought Victoria was going to kill me. Jacob felt me jump, and his face wiped.

"It's all right, Jake."

A growl that rumbled in my ear disagreed. My knees gave in, but Jacob picked me up before I hit the floor. What was I doing? I belonged to Edward- I forced myself to think his name. He didn't love me but I knew my heart had left with him. But Jacob didn't feel wrong, his gentle kiss wasn't restrained, he knew he wouldn't harm me physically. He cradled my head in his elbow, concerned about what the chaos was that was roaring in my head. I leaned up to his face, and his lips came down on mine.

_Bella!_

My lips moved against his slowly and I felt his smile through the kiss. But darker feelings of betrayal seeped through my head. But I needed this- I never thought I'd feel like this again and I don't know why I did. It wasn't nearly as much as before, but it still sparked feelings in me- human feelings, not fairytale but still real. I loved Jacob, but wasn't in love with him. But it felt like betraying Edward's memory, the memories from when I was as sure of his love as I was of my heart. But now my heart was gone, as was he. But still the new contact with Jacob was difficult for me, and felt like betrayal, and the voice agreed.

We went inside, and I was surprised that everyone looked very solemn as they ate. I turned, surprised to Jacob. He was looking at the floor, but caught my gaze.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Haven't you heard yet, Bella?" My forehead creased. Not that I could remember. I shook my head. Jacob and Sam looked at each other. Paul looked at me and spoke after a minute.

"Harry Clearwater had a heart attack yesterday. He died last night."

"What?" I thought of Charlie, who I hadn't seen, or spoken to. I looked up at Sam's face, which was agonized. I thought of Seth and Leah and Sue… and Charlie. I realised Billy must be in grief too.

"I'm so sorry." I murmured and walked out to my truck. I needed to find Charlie. Jacob came with me.

"Do you know where Charlie is, Jake?"

"He was at the Clearwater's, sorting out arrangements with Sue. He'll go home soon though, I guess. He didn't sleep last night, stayed at the hospital."

"Do you want a lift home?" I knew he'd be able to run there fast if he ran but I felt I needed to offer.

"Yeah." I saw the tiredness cloud his forehead and he got into my truck. We drove in silence. I thought about Leah and Seth without their father, of Sue without her love. We were at his home in no time, and I saw Billy peeping through the curtains with red eyes to see who was outside. Jacob kissed my cheek and ran inside.

Charlie was already home when I got there. I had never seen him so out of control. His body shook with sobs that drowned my entrance, yet he had his mouth clamped shut stubbornly, too used to caging his emotions. I sat down on the sofa next to him, and he started, then tried to stop crying.

"Oh, Dad. I'm so sorry." I put my arm around him.

"I'm really going to miss him." He said gruffly. I was surprised at the control in his voice. But there was also regret. He didn't like anyone to see him like this. "And Sue… I don't think she's even grasped it yet. Leah's only a year older than you, and Seth's only fourteen. They're both… Seth's got sick. Leah hasn't said anything. And Billy's really shaken up too. It's going to be tough on all of us."

I left then, to get him dinner and let him be alone. I turned the fan on loud in case he was crying again. But when he came in for dinner he had composed his face again. But he kept slipping, and he would wince.

Before I went to sleep I thought about Harry. Harry's gap in his family's life. I wondered how Charlie would cope. I wondered how Sue would cope. Would she have a Jacob, a Paris? Another option? I knew she would have plenty of support, from Billy, Charlie, the Quileute pack. And she wouldn't be alone. Everyone would feel her grief, understand. He was only human. They would mourn him too. But would she have another chance? A Jacob?

Ah Jacob… Was that fair? Could I accept his heart when I had so little to return? I felt that I was still grieving, grieving for my loss, my love, grieving the happiness I had felt, the surrealism that I knew I would never feel again with anyone else. And I felt the kiss today had made me cross the line I was so afraid of, and I wondered if there was any way back now. Or had I gone too far? And why did I keep feeling these stabs of betrayal, as if I was betraying _him_, betraying my feelings. But not his. His feelings were no longer there. The hole bit at my insides again, and as I slipped into unconsciousness tears rocked me. I had another nightmare.

Yet this time as I ran through the trees, searching, looking, getting more frantic I saw something. A light. I ran towards it, thinking maybe this was what I was searching for but soon recognised it. Jacob. I ran straight past him but his face made me remember what I was looking for. Edward. I screamed his name, screamed it, _screamed_ it. Then I woke up, still screaming. Why did I run past him? What was I thinking? Did I hurt his feelings I- then I remembered it was a dream, but was still troubled by it's meaning and vividness.

I sought out Angela when I got to school. She seemed slightly surprised but was all too happy to talk to me.

"Hey Bella," her eyes searched mine, "you any better?"

"Kind of, yeah, but-" I noticed Lauren and Jessica's eyes on me, when I looked around they turned away. Angela nodded and motioned we go out.

"Jacob kissed me yesterday." Angela's eyes widened.

"Oh, I see." This is why I needed to tell Angela. "How do you feel about him?"

I shut my eyes.

"It's not the same. But it's still… it's- and it's like I'm betraying him. Though he doesn't feel the-" I took a deep breath "I still love him, and I don't know if Jacob- how he- and I don't want to lose him too. I can't lose him." Angela wrapped her arms around me- it felt strange, someone with human strength.

"Does he love you, Bella?"

"He mi- I think he thinks he does. But so did-"

"How much do you rely on Jacob? How much do you trust him?"

"With my life." Literally. "But it seems too soon. I know I won't be able to love like- I know how special he is. I just need…" Time.

"Will this help you get over Edward?" Edward. The name jolted my system again and chafed against my chest.

"I need to think, to wait. I don't want to get in too deep…" I drew in a jagged breath. "Not if he leaves." I couldn't imagine falling back into the sleep without Jacob, with two holes. But it felt better to tell someone, like an ordinary human girl. But my feelings hadn't been ordinary, and Angela couldn't understand, for which I was grateful. It hurt to imagine her going through anything as painful as my last few months. At least I had my Jacob. He was mine, I realised with surprise. But I wasn't his. I wasn't in love with him, I didn't have a heart to give. I didn't deserve him and wouldn't be able to survive when he realised that.

I phoned Jacob when I got home and told him I had too much homework this week to see him. I wondered how long that would last. But I needed time. What if Juliet had married Paris while her Romeo was banished? If she thought Romeo had gone? She would never have got over him, I knew that. But she might love again, love her Paris, and make him happy.

Charlie got home and I started to get his dinner ready.

Jacob was almost human, I knew I would never feel the supernatural bond with him, no matter how well we were matched. His smile lit up my dark world, like a lone star on a moonless night. He knew me better than anyone left in my world, knew my pain. But my pain caused him pain, and could I continue to inflict that on him?

I called Charlie and he came to eat dinner.

"How you holding up?" I asked.

"Been at Sue's again today. We've organised the funeral for tomorrow. I don't know how the Clearwater's will manage it, it's so soon after…"

"Too soon after…"

"What?" I realised my mistake.

"Sorry. I wasn't talking about the funeral."

"What was it then? Are you all right honey?" Aw crap.

"Yeah, I'm fine, Dad. Nothing you need to know about." Charlie looked down hesitantly and I could see he was relieved and agreed. "Going up to do homework, all right? Or do you want me to wash up?"

"It's fine." Charlie's gaze was on his food and I left knowing washing up was the last thing on his mind.

Something was wrong when I walked into my bedroom. The carpet was soaking. I looked up. No leaks. How odd. I looked around. It was worse in- ah. Radiator. I grabbed everything on my floor and slung it in my wardrobe. That was annoying. I'd talk to Charlie about it. I did my homework and went to bed too early, not wanting to be awake and think bad thoughts or sleep and have nightmares. But I sat in bed for a long time, unable to sleep.

And eventually when I did I had nightmares.

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**Thanks for the reviews (three lol) please review if you read this, even if you think its rubbish, i seriously would prefer bad reviews to no reviews. hope ur managing just being able to hear edwards voice for now, trust me he will arrive soon.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

"Jake, you got a moment to spare to have a look at my radiator?"

"Sorry, Sam's got me on patrol tonight. I'll be over when I've got a minute. Haven't seen you since last Sunday."

"I know. Come over when you have a minute. Any more news on Victoria?"

"She made another pass last night."

"What?"

"Yeah, and we almost had her. But we crossed the old territory line- she headed straight for the bloodsucker mansion. Sam knew a shortcut and we split up, Sam, Jared and I waited at the crypt. Then suddenly- she was a few hundred meters off- she fired off North like a bullet from a gun. It's odd- we had no trail- it's like she sensed us. But Paul got a snap at her before she disappeared. She kicked his side, cracked a couple of ribs-"

"What? Is he all right?" Paul was my least favourite in the Quileute pack but I couldn't even stand the thought of him against Victoria because of me.

"Yeah, healing as we speak."

"When are you going out on patrol?"

"In an hour. Not really time to come and find out what's-"

"Can I come over there? I don't need to stay long- just see you. Please." I needed to see him, complicated or not. I was still not sure if I wanted this kind of relationship to develop with Jacob, but I needed his smile to distract me from the thoughts that cut into my ribs.

"Uh… OK. The Clearwaters are here, though." I answered without thinking.

"Can I come anyway? I won't be long."

"Sure."

But when I was in my truck I began to dread seeing the Clearwaters. Would I be intruding? Yet I knew I needed Jacob as much as I needed air. The door was open so I went in, and Jacob came out into the hallway. He gave me a huge hug immediately, then leaned down to my mouth and I reflexively moved my head so he caught my cheek. I felt his shock but couldn't meet his eye. I hadn't even thought about it but I couldn't undo my mistake. I didn't want to see the pain in his face.

"Uh… Leah's crying, I'm not sure you should be… here." Jacob whispered.

"Um… of course. Bye." I felt such a fool, yet it felt right to resist somewhere in my memory so I restrained an apology.

He came over the next weekend to see my radiator- by then the leak had soaked my carpet and the floorboards were sodden and starting to smell. When Jacob came in he avoided my embrace, tramping upstairs. I sighed. I didn't want to know how much I'd hurt him by rejecting his kiss at his house.

Jacob found my room, wrinkling his nose at the smell and opened his toolbox. I sat on the bed, watching him as he examined the radiator, offering my help but knowing I'd probably manage to break it further. He pulled up the carpet and looked at the floorboards- they were dark grey and smelled worse without the carpet. He asked me to pass him a tool, then started wrenching the floorboards from the floor.

"What the-" He started, looking down into the floor. I couldn't see- his shoulder was in the way.

"Jake?" He bent down, then pulled up a box the same size as a shoebox. He made to open it but I reached out.

"Stop"

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**I know this is increeedbly short but I've got another one str8 after. n it needed a new chapter. thanks for the reviews :D**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

"Wait." I didn't know what had suddenly come over me, but suddenly felt frozen. A wave of cold shook down my back. I reached out. "Please?" I stuttered. He gave me the box. It was light, and was a shoebox, dark burgundy with a designer symbol in gold at the bottom that I couldn't recognise. A brief start of understanding- or hope- or dread, flashed through me as I began to suspect who had placed the box there. My hand was shaking. Jacob reached out and held it in his.

"Whoa, Bella, you're like ice. What's wrong?" But as the words formed in his breath, he blinked, and understanding, followed by anger, flashed across his face. He jumped up to sit by my side on the bed. He put his arm around me and tried to take the box. But my arms were suddenly around it and clutching it to my chest. I saw pain stab his eyes as he met my fierce glare. We stared at each other for a while.

"Open it Bella." Jacob's voice had taken on the cold indifference it had before, when he had just become a werewolf. My hands shook, but complied.

Wrapped in delicate brown tissue paper was the CD, the tickets, the photographs, everything he had ripped from my room when he left. My fingers were stiff as they tried to touch them, but my vision was blurry, and I ended up stroking the box. I felt tears spring from my eyes and roll down my cheeks and realised why I wasn't sobbing- I couldn't breathe. I gasped, and the hysterics started. Jacob lifted me onto his lap, after taking the box- my resistance was low now- and putting it as far away as he could reach. He rocked me on his lap; unable to speak but occasionally I thought I felt the rumble of a growl in his chest.

My thoughts were not coherent- just misery as memories ripped through me. Jacob held me close to him, his arms wrapped around my chest, trying to hold me together. I cried until my tears ran dry, and then sobbed as my breath racked. I sucked in my breath, but that made me sob harder when I tried to grasp another breath. Every time the sobs softened, I would look up to the box and remember it's contents. Then my body would tremble again, and Jacob would hold me tighter. I must have fallen asleep, because I awoke alone in my bed. My head throbbed and my eyes stung- my lungs still could not fill properly and as I tried to sit up- the hole in my chest threw me back. Jacob came in at the noise, and sat on the bed. He stroked my forehead with burning fingertips, pushing my hair away from my face. I looked up at him.

"What time is it?" I croaked.

"Four. You've slept all day." His voice was strong with pain, and I knew it only echoed what he felt inside.

"I'm so sorry, Jake. You shouldn't have to have seen this. I… I'm not sure I'm ready for…" My throat was still too dry to speak properly, but I also was at a loss for something to say "I'm not sure I can do this to you. I really…" Don't think I could deal with you leaving me too? Can't give you my heart? "Don't want to hurt you."

Jacob looked towards the window, and my heart ached to see his face. When I did, it was of sad acceptance, as if he had known it was coming.

What had I done?

His face reminded me of all the reasons why I wanted to be with him, wanted him to be happy, needed his company. Had I just pushed him away? Why wasn't there a half-way street- why couldn't I just love him as a friend?

He brought his hand up to my face, and I felt myself shake at his touch- I knew I would break down when he left. Again. I searched his eyes, and saw too much pain. I instantly wanted to take it away, backtrack- why had I done this? I wasn't ready to be without Jacob. I didn't want to cause him the same amount of pain Edward had caused me though- not for the same reason. Edward had led me along for months before he left. I had to stop this quickly, and if it caused me pain- I deserved it. But Jacob- no. I didn't want him to suffer.

I had to make up my mind.

I opened my mouth, to take back what I had said or to plead I don't know, but my dry throat clasped at speech, and I was incoherent. Jacob stroked my chin, and closed my mouth. His own was set in a firm, bitter line. My heart twinged, and I felt a new hole carving and drilling its way through me. He stood up abruptly and walked out. I tried to call him, but it was like my voice was rebelling against me.

**Dunno why she suddenly needed to back out- its just the way the story spread itself. Dw tho, he wil come back and things will get more dramatic. U remember Jacob saying he had a plan if Edward hadn't come back? Please review if you're reading this, even if you think its rubbish. I wanna hear what you guys think, where I should go, where you want it to go, what you do and dont like etc. Do you want Edward to come back? **

**If you read, review. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

I couldn't sleep that night.

The new hole was chafing in my chest, and it hurt to breathe. I didn't want to breathe. Every time I remembered his face I wanted to cut my heart out. But I didn't have a heart. It had left with Edward, and now I was cruel and cold. I knew how much I had hurt Jacob- I knew the kind of pain he was having. Which made it worse. I was sobbing, my body racking with choking spasms and shudders, but my tears had run dry. It was like I had put myself through too much, and even my body couldn't express anything any more. Like I had become inhuman. As I had once wished. But I didn't want to lead him on- to go too far, before I realised I could never give Jacob the love he needed. I was damaged, I'd already found my love, my true North… but now it was gone and I was left spinning in it's wake. I knew Jacob could find someone- he was so special, it wasn't right for him to be alone. I couldn't give him my heart, but I knew he needed one. I needed someone too, but I wasn't worthy of him- he needs someone whole, someone who can fall in love with him. I wasn't ready, I still, after all this time, would not let myself even try to fall in love with someone else. Was it loyalty? He wasn't coming back. He'd promised me that. And even if he did, which he wouldn't, he wouldn't still love me. So, why couldn't I let myself be with Jacob? Maybe love would come, develop in a relationship with him. I would move on only if I allowed myself to take that first step, and try to be with someone else. Jacob made me feel better, happy, as if I didn't have a gaping hole in my chest and gasping lungs that could never get quite enough air. I knew I should have the self discipline to try to make Jacob happy, myself happy. And move on with my life, as countless people had instructed me. I knew Charlie would approve, and stop him worrying, if I went out with someone else. He was expecting it. And he wanted it to be Jacob, he knew how good my Jacob was for me. And… _Edward_ said he wanted me to move on. He wanted me to pretend he's never existed. He probably had.

I caught my breath, and held it to stop myself hyperventilating if I allowed myself to imagine Edward moving on, Edward with someone else. Another… vampire. He probably thought I'd moved on by now. But I hadn't, I thought, trying to steady my shaky breaths. But I could try. Could I hurt Jacob that much? Could I bear to see him hurt? I already had, I reminded myself. Would he even take me back after that? I must have hurt him badly. I wished I could go back in time, do anything except the painful words that had hurt Jacob. I wondered how bad he felt. The whole pack would know by now. I had to call him, talk about it at least. Try to comfort him.

I swung myself off the bed and walked down the stairs to the phone. I was about to dial when I remembered to look at the time. Ten past two in the morning. Jake may have been out patrolling, but Billy wasn't. And if Jacob was at home, he would need his sleep. He looked like he was sleepwalking nowadays. And he would need to recover from the… emotional pain I had caused. I cringed. But it was my fault, and I had to talk to him. I wish I knew what was best for him. I needed someone to talk to. It was so soon after… _him_. I knew I had to get myself together, but there was no one to encourage me, help me, explain to Jacob. No one could. I wasn't meant to know what I knew. But I did. A freak of nature. Why did I keep getting myself caught up in these situations? First a vampire love… who left. Now a werewolf- what next? I shuddered to think. Victoria probably. She was still out there. Another factor. If she got me, where would that leave Jake? He would probably blame himself, as would the pack. They would definitely blame _me_ from the pain I had caused him now.

I hadn't even noticed the sunlight begin to pool in my room, uncharacteristic of Forks and lighting up things I didn't want to see. Like the ripped up carpet and floorboards, bearing the raw rusty pipes beneath. Like the box. Testing myself, I reached out for it. I wasn't ready to play the CD, or touch the tickets, but I stared at the photo. The beauty was sharp and flawless, crystal clear in my house, like a diamond on plastic. I stared at the golden eyes, glowing faintly on the picture, looking at the photographer. Not me anymore. I only realised I was crying when a tear plinked into the box, onto the tissue paper. I stroked the paper, wiping it off with weak, shaking hands. Edward had touched this paper with his cold hard fingers, sealing away his part in my life, taking himself, and my heart, livelihood and breath with him.

I had to try and move on. I owed it to the people around me, Jacob, Charlie, and Renée. Jacob especially. I would talk to them… today… in the morning. I resolved, as my eyelids slid shut, ignoring the clear strange sunlight shining in my room from behind the tree.

I woke up stiff and couldn't move my neck. I had fallen asleep on the floor, curling up into a ball. When I remembered what I had promised myself to do I tried to shut my eyes again, putting it off. But I knew I had to, I owed it to Jake. I looked in a mirror as I got dressed- I looked awful. My eyes were red and bloodshot, my hair was static, knotted and greasy, my lips were chapped and my skin looked old and grey. The strange Forks light made my face look distorted and ugly, and I took it all in. I remembered I needed to shower, wash my hair, sort my self out, after I'd changed, so had to undress again, then re-dress. I still looked awful when I'd finished, just clean awful. I kept needing to blink due to the lack of moisture in my eyes. They were stinging and I kept finding it hard to see. Days and nights of crying are not good for you. Eventually I went downstairs in an old sweat and pants, determined to see Jake. Maybe looking bad would help, make him realise I really wasn't practical to be with.

My truck forewarned of my approach, and Jake was sitting on the steps waiting for me. He was looking at his lap, so I couldn't read his expression, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to. I walked out to him and joined him on the steps.

"I'm so sorry, Jake," I whispered, trying to put my arm around his shoulders, but couldn't reach, so wrapped it around his waist instead. He didn't look up.

"I know."

"I…" I tried to plan the words in my head. I had already gone over this a thousand times as I got ready but I still couldn't bring myself together. I'd forgotten the things I'd planned to say, and just knew I wanted to make him happy. More than anything. More than my own happiness. But I didn't want giving him a broken heart to crumple him as it had crumpled me.

"I know." He said again.

"I love you." _That_ wasn't planned. But it was true, and I'd known it for a while.

He finally looked at me. His eyes, as red and dry as my own, pulled at my heartstrings with their shock and sadness.

**Thank you everyone who reviewed, especially FranChan, who pointed out the little glitch with the chapters- thank you and thats now removed, and consumedbylove, your review was really really nice and made my day. Please tell me what you think, I don't update unless I get reviews and the more helpful they are the better the update will be. I'm still not sure if I like this story, and reviews help convince me its worth continuing.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

He stared into my eyes for what seemed like hours. I kept trying to think of something to say, try to even think in words, and failed. I wanted to know what he was thinking, what he thought I was thinking, what he wanted to say, what he wanted me to say. I couldn't penetrate the barrier of his eyes. They were staring into mine though, looking for sincerity no doubt. I knew that if he knew me at all, he would find it. Although I didn't know what possessed me to admit it, to say it, and especially to tell Jacob himself, I knew it was true. Even though I had never thought it before, admitted it to myself.

Jacob nodded. "That I didn't know."

I swallowed, but my mouth was dry. "I need to talk to you about this. It wasn't right for me to push you away like that, so suddenly. I just… I'm not worth the trouble, Jake. I'm… not over… him, and I've still got problems holding myself together. I don't have anything to give you, and I don't want to leave you… how I was left. I don't want to hurt you- more than anything. But I need you, you make me get up in the morning, you're the only one who can make me smile. But if it has to be something more- if you want it to be… I don't want to break your heart. I would have preferred if… Edward… had dropped me earlier, before I was in too deep. I don't want to break your heart, Jake." I looked down into my lap, and he tilted my chin up to his face, his eyes and words surprisingly intense.

"I know, Bella. I know. But I'm going to fight for you. You're only stopping yourself, and I know your just holding yourself back. You are worth it Bella. You light up my day too. Whenever I shut my eyes, whenever I dream, sleep, whatever- it's always about you, I see you. It drives the pack insane." He laughed. "I can wait. I can see how difficult it is for you, and you feel like you've actually lost a part of yourself. But you can heal, and you will. I'll be here. I'll help." Jacob promised, looking into my eyes again. I wasn't dazzled, like I was with Edward's inhuman beauty, but the truth and honesty I saw in his eyes took my breath away for a moment.

"Thanks, Jake." It was all I could say. He knew it too.

Eventually I saw a form emerge from the wood that surrounded Jacob's house. It was Sam, and he had an admirable manner of giving us privacy to our silent moment as he approached. Jacob got up slowly, and I stayed where I was, on the step.

"Good evening, Bella." Sam greeted respectively. Was it evening already? I guess… I spent the day sleeping.

"Hi Sam."

"You all right to patrol, Jacob? We caught an hour old scent on the East side of the reservation- must've been last night on Paul and Leah's watch." Sam said. I couldn't believe my ears.

"_Leah_? You're kidding, right?" I asked. I thought I saw a flash of something in Sam's eyes, and concern in Jacob's for a moment, before it was gone and Jacob answered.

"Leah is the first female werewolf we've heard of. And since the Cullens are gone, the pack should have stopped growing. But it must be Victoria's presence…"

"Sorry," I said, looking at the ground.

"It's not your fault, Bella. And it won't be a problem much longer. Just have faith in us. Do you mind Jacob going on patrol?" I shook my head, marvelling at Sam's attitude. If Sam was a vampire, what power would he have? He undoubtedly would, he had amazing leadership skills, something good with people- like Jasper, I guessed.

Sam and Jacob turned and ran back into the trees. I got in my truck and drove away.

"You sure you're ready for this. Bella?" Jake asked, looking for my expression nervously. I fought to keep my straight emotionless face. My guts were shuddering like they were holding up skyscrapers.

"I'm fine," I spat. The cold was already getting to me- _what_ was it going to be like in the water?

Today we were going cliff-diving. Apart from being apprehensive, just remembering the last time I considered jumping- I shuddered to think what could have happened if I had jumped- the cliff looked a lot bigger now than it did from the beach. Jacob and I weren't jumping from the top- he wouldn't let me- but it was still a long drop.

Jacob laughed, a sound that fell down the cliffs into the sea.

"You're terrified, Bella. We better not think about this too much. You gonna jump at the same time as me, right? It's going to be pretty damn cold in there, all right? Oh shoot, I forgot to take your clothes and towel down to the beach. You all right to stay here? I'll only be a second." I nodded, and Jacob sprinted away to my change of clothes from the truck. I approached the edge of the cliff- disobeying the fundamental instincts of my body- extreme sports are not natural. I wondered about jumping without Jacob, seeing if I could pull it off on my own, do it myself- maybe the thrill would be better that way… and Edward's voice would be more intense. I rolled up to the balls of my feet, anticipating the jump alone,

_Bella, no._

I lifted my head and grinned into the wind as I let the velvet voice echo in my ears and fill my soul- the hole gone momentarily as I wallowed in his memory.

_Bella, don't you dare._

"But you won't stay with me any other way, my love." I whispered.

_You promised._ He growled, making me laugh in delight.

"So did you." I wasn't sure if the tears in my eyes were from the icy cutting wind or… the memories of Edwards many vows and promises were pounding at my brain and sawing at my heart, causing my eyes to gush with helpless, pointless tears.

"So did you." I repeated, glaring at the voice with my own. The new emotions made me want to stop my painful heartbeats, because every one felt like it was wrapped in a diamond snare that ripped it further with every struggle.

My new pain made me pull myself back into a ball, ready to spring.

_Why, Bella? Bella,_ no_!_ He ordered, and his fury was so lovely.

The tears flowed onto my trousers, and sobs began to rack my body. I tried to rock my momentum, ready to jump, collect my courage.

_Please._

"No." I muttered.

_For me._

_It _is_ for you, _I thought_. Still, after all this time, every breath, move, step I take, is for you. And this brings back your voice. Of course it's for you._

**Please tell me what you like about this story- do you want her to stay with Jake? Do you want Alice to see her jump? Should she jump with Jacob? Do you want Edward to come back? Do you like how I've portrayed Jake? Theres lots of questions I want to ask you, so if you could just tell me something about what your thinking of this, I'll be really grateful and post a big long chapter. Thanks for everyone who has already reviewed, please do so again :D**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

I shut my eyes against the cutting wind, letting tears freeze inside them. I needed to get rid of this feeling, my chest was bursting, it felt like my lungs were being twisted down my body- I couldn't control my body.

His voice wasn't meant to hurt me this much, I wasn't meant to hurt this bad. I couldn't stand it. I leaned forward without even deciding to- I needed to rip this feeling out of me.

_BELLA NO!! _Edward's voice roared in my ears, deafening me. I felt the wind whipping past my face, felt it whip past me. I'd never experienced anything like it-

Then it was gone.

I felt something hit my chest- from the wrong direction completely- before a huge wet wall smacked into every part of my body and swallowed me up into it's cold depths.

**I know its really reeeeally short- I'm sorry. But I wanna know what you think before I tell update the next bit, which I'm writing now. What do you thinks gonna happen? **

**Thanks **_**everyone**_** who has reviewed. I cant tel u how happy I get :D tel me what u think of the fact I made her jump (without jake) n what shud happen now.**

**n if i get some reviews, i'l update the next one (which is longer lol) tonight.**


	9. Chapter 9

**OMG went to c the film twilight yday!!! It was AMAZING!!! LOVED it. pattinson was SO FIT as usual and expected, emmett was soo COOL (3d the gangsta thing) jasper was depp-like fit and JAMES do not get me started. read Once You Know by WhisperWinds and ul c wot i mean. i REALLY recommend that story i cant w8 for her to update.**

**Chapter 9**

If I'd thought about the waves below me at all, I'd expected a lull and wait until I rose to the surface.

Instead currents punched me from every single direction, and something was pulling my waist most definitely, how strange. I felt myself pulled in every direction by the water, and I began to realise what I'd done as I discovered I couldn't breathe.

I had killed myself. I hadn't died yet, but there was no way I could reach the surface. I tried to struggle against the water, but it was like my arms were the liquid, being pushed everywhere. And the strongest was the one that felt like it was pulling my waist. It didn't feel like water, but when I tried opening my eyes, a gush of dirty dark water made me slam them shut. I couldn't sense anything but desperation, panic and pain. I couldn't even summon Edward's voice anymore. It must have been beyond my panicking body that was being thrown out of control by the sea, moving as if have a fit, I didn't know if I was moving up or down. But I knew I wouldn't be able to reach the surface.

What would my death do to Charlie? To Renee? To Jacob? Why didn't I wait for him? I wondered if my life was going to flash before my eyes, as always described. Would I see Edward again in my head, why couldn't I hear him now? The sudden urgency shocked me- I was drowning, but more than my need for oxygen, I needed Edward, I needed his voice. Without it I could feel my panic getting worse, spreading into hysteria that could have paralysed my body if it were not being tossed into every sick contorted position possible by the currents. Why hadn't I passed out yet? Why wasn't I dead? Death was long. I needed to die, end the pain, the panic, the desperation and the misery. And the need for Edward, for his voice.

Where _was_ Edward's voice? I would expect it to be close to me in these last moments.

_I'm right here, Bella. You're going to be fine._ A velvet voice assured me.

What did that mean? I was dying. I guessed it meant he didn't care.

_You're wrong. _The voice whispered, so intimate and realistic his lips could have been grazing my ear.

My mouth dropped open in surprise- my illusions always agreed with me. My last oxygen- my last breath-escaped out of my throat and water knocked into my open mouth and plummeted down my throat- choking me, filling my lungs. This was it.

_Bella, no! Keep fighting! Keep conscious, don't give up! _Suddenly the voice was urgent again, and frantic. I'd never heard Edward like this.

But I was panicking. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't remember the taste of air, I couldn't move, couldn't control myself. I couldn't pass out, and I could only feel my dormant heart shuddering in my chest. It was torture, knowing I was dying, feeling my body shutting down, yet knowing my heart was still beating and feeling all the pain. I wondered if I'd been through so much I wouldn't be allowed to leave my cage of a body. I would just feel it die around me and still feel the pain.

_Damn it, Bella! Just keep your heart beating!_ Edward roared in my ear.

A fresh wave of hope shot through me, and I almost reopened my mouth to talk to him, felt the urge to wrap my arms around him, caught in the delusion that he was there. But I was still being ripped apart by the waves, it was like it was trying to pull my body to pieces.

My lungs were still scraping at my throat, demanding something, anything, and I needed to open my mouth, drink air, try even water, but some rational part of me recognised the danger of that also. My legs were limp, they felt like they were made of sand and I couldn't move them at all against the waves that were slinging them around like a rag doll. I felt hysteria building in my throat, I was going to hyperventilate, but I couldn't even breathe- I couldn't breathe. My head began to empty, in the absence of oxygen. The blood I had felt pounding in my head a moment ago was gone, I couldn't feel anything. It was like my body was slowly dying and leaving me inside to suffer it. I tried to concentrate on something, anything- Edward. His voice, a minute ago so assuring, confident, then panicking, as if he knew, knew I was dying.

And now Edward's voice was silent.

It could only mean one thing.

I was going to die.

**Don't forget to review :) thx everyone who has**


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

I was going to die.

Suddenly my heart and lungs were shoved so hard I thought death had finally decided to claim me. It forced my mouth open again and- instead of losing air and feeling saltwater wash into my system, I felt it splutter out from the depths of my lungs, making me retch.

I realised my body was not being tossed in every direction any more, and I could no longer feel tough cold walls punching and pushing me- neither the solid bar that had pulled my waist. A much lighter (but a lot colder) force was whistling around me. Then I realised what it was.

Wind. I had got out- I was alive, I had to be! Another goblet of seawater hurled itself from the back of my throat in time with another heave at my chest. Someone was pounding down on my chest to get the water out. Who? The same person who must have taken me from the sea in the first place. And I realised what the bar around my waist was- someone's arm. I only knew a few people that strong- I could barely let myself hope. Only a va-

Finally I managed to gulp air into my lungs as the last of the salty water was tossed out of my mouth. Air had never tasted so good. I pumped it in, almost hyperventilating, relishing the feeling of breathing again. I heard a gasp of relief.

"Bella!" I finally registered the voice talking to me, saying my name. It wasn't the velvet one of a few minutes- or was it hours?- ago. It was Jacob. Of course it was. I was pulled into his strong warm arms and he held me- a little too tight- close to his ribs. My ear was pressed against his warm, wet chest and I could hear his heart pounding behind it.

When he finally let me go, I opened my eyes, to stare into his wide brown ones.

"What _happened_, Bella?" He asked. I looked down, unable to explain the terrible helplessness I had felt on my own for those few seconds that caused me to take the nearest release, any release, that would stop the pain.

I took a breath, meaning to explain to him, to wipe away the hurting in his eyes. But I couldn't think of anything to say which would explain the pain I had felt that had made me jump. I couldn't put it into words. And I knew it would only hurt him more if I told him. Jacob seemed to be reading my eyes. Then he nodded.

"It's OK, you don't have to explain, Bells. I'll get you back to Sam's- he's the closest- and dry you off. You're going to die of hyperthermia if we don't sort you out quickly." He picked me up and ran me to my truck, and started speeding down the bumpy track. Before I knew it I was out of the car again, being taken into a warm room.

"Emily!" Jake called. I heard someone coming down the stairs as I was laid on a couch. "She's freezing, we need blankets and towels. I didn't have any on the beach because I saw her falling before I could get them there. And I think I… I think I may have broken a rib. I heard something crack." _That_ might explain the stabbing feeling in my chest that was beginning to take me over. "I think we need a doctor. Can you call one, then call Sam and Charlie?" Jacob asked. I heard Emily hurry out the door, and Jacob tucking me up in lots of blankets.

"I'm already here, Jacob. What happened?" I heard Sam. Then he came into my line of vision, trying to scrutinise the part of me that was visible, not tucked under mountains of blankets. His face was critical and… somehow hostile.

"She… fell when I had left for a few minutes to put the clothes and blankets on the beach. I saw and caught her as she fell into the sea, but didn't manage to put the blankets on the beach and she swallowed a lot of water before I got her out. I think I might have broke-"

"I heard." Yes, there _was_ some hostility there. "She sure manages to land a lot of trouble."

"_She_ is right here, Sam." Jacob voiced my thoughts.

"I know." He replied shortly. "I need to talk to you, Jacob."

"Now? We need a doctor here, I have to check she's all right Sam!" Jake cried exasperated.

"Yes, now." Sam sounded cold and harsh. "Emily will take care of Bella."

From what I could see and hear in my limited position, Jake gritted his teeth and stormed out. I couldn't hear Sam leave, but I felt the tension escape out of the room with him. I was shaking. I couldn't remember if I'd been shaking since when I came out the water, or if it was for fear of what Sam was going to say. But despite my body being freezing, my brain felt really hot, as if it was overheating. And a creeping pain was carving it's way into my head, and my ears were ringing. I was feeling really ill. My mouth was dry and salty, my throat sore from heaving and my stomach was tense and painful. My rib hurt every time I breathed and I struggled to fill my lungs with oxygen.

I must have fallen unconscious because next thing I knew all the covers had gone and an unfamiliar pair of hands were assessing me, checking my temperature, and my shirt was up and he was feeling my rib.

"Is it broken?" I heard Emily say, and I opened my eyes to see her standing over me, as was the grey-haired doctor. Jake wasn't back yet.

"No, it's not. But she's bruised her periosteum, which is the outside of the bone. It's going to be painful every time she breathes and will take about six weeks to heal." He hadn't noticed I was awake. Emily did though.

"How much does it hurt, Bella?" I took a breath to answer her, and that answered for me. I winced in pain as my lungs swelled to graze my lower right ribs.

"Jake?" I managed to gasp.

"He hasn't come back yet. I spoke to Sam and he said Jacob will be back in the next 24 hours." Emily said quietly. The doctor lowered my shirt and Emily put a blanket back on top of me. I noted I wasn't shaking with cold any more.

"You're going to be in serious pain for the next few weeks, Bella. I'm going to prescribe you co-dydramol and ibuprofen for the pain. I'll give the prescription to Emily if you don't mind because you should probably stay bed bound for the next few days." I nodded weakly. I was getting really impatient for him to get out so I could find out what on earth was going on between Jake and Sam. I shut my eyes, hoping he'd be gone by the time I opened them.

I heard him leave but couldn't find it in me to open my eyes again. Until I felt a very warm hand on my shoulder. They snapped open.

"Hi," I saw Jake kneeling next to the sofa. I grinned and greeted him in return sheepishly.

"Sorry 'bout all this, Jake." He nodded and I saw something flash in his eyes. "What?" I asked.

"Sam. He's furious about this," he waved his hand towards me, "and Victoria and her appearance keeps making our young boys make the change. Changing lives that don't have to be changed. He wants you to leave, he wants me to make you move." I saw the regret in his eyes as he told me.

I had expected as much. It was time for me to leave Forks- I was attracting too much trouble, as usual. But I had no idea what to do.

If I went back to Phoenix, back to my mother, I would leave Jake. And I would not survive that mentally. And I would bring Victoria with me. On my mother. And even if there wasn't Victoria, there was likely to be some mythical creature that would follow me. With my luck. I sighed. I didn't want to keep bringing trouble on the La Push pack, or Jake, or Charlie. But neither could I bring it upon Renee and Phil. What on earth could I do? I was a walking disaster, attracting trouble to everyone I loved with every step.

"But I won't let him order you to leave. You don't live in La Push. And Victoria isn't your fault. Though he thinks it is because of the Cullens." I shuddered at the name. "And I won't leave you. Even if you left here, I'd follow." I gasped.

"Jake-"

"No, I would. I wouldn't be able to help it. I can't leave you. Especially in this condition…" He laughed softly.

So now I had a new problem. I couldn't let Jake lay his life out for me, promise to follow me. It was a mistake I had made and was having to pay hell for. Why he felt that way I really didn't know.

"Jake… don't you get yourself in this mess too. Please." I pleaded, but I saw the resolve in his eyes before he spoke.

"It's too late Bella. I'm in love with you." He had his gaze on mine, scrutinizing my reaction.

Déjà vu banged through my aching head, and my eyes filled with tears before my brain recognised the emotion. Jake loved me. Was in love with me. And I loved Jake.

But I had loved Edward, and he had loved me. Would Jake change his mind too? I couldn't trust in his emotions for me, but I didn't feel so out of place with Jake. It was like he was the course marked out for me, my relationship with him was so natural.

He was what my life should have been without Edward.

But Edward had been in my life, so it screwed me up. But Jake was still there- could I let myself ruin his life because of what Edward had done to me? Or would backing away ruin his life more?

My mind seemed to have already made the decision- I enjoyed being with Jake too much, I relied on him too much to push him away. And if our relationship had to develop to keep him- so be it.

I leaned forward, and Jacob recognised my action and bent down.

And the kiss felt so right, so sweet and genuine. And though it's cliché- human.

**Thanks for my reviews! Sorry I was late with the last update- I'd thought I'd posted it. Something wrong with the computer I reckon... but ANYWAY hope u enjoyed this jacob/bella lovers. how many of my readers are team jacob btw? are there any team edward reading this? looollz**


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

"You did it, Bells! Come on, you'll be fine. It's over now!" Jacob grinned at me, pulling my hand like a child.

It had been six weeks since my jump, and I was going to have an examination which would confirm that I could stop taking the meds. But going into the hospital itself reminded me of the last time I had been there- the episode with James and Edward's promises.

The six weeks while I healed had been excruciatingly painful and often I took a little more meds than needed so I could just be so stoned I would sleep it off, trying to skip the haling phase. My lungs heaved against my bruised periosteum every time I breathed, causing intense pain. Not to mention that the pain shortened my breath so I was constantly panting and gave me less oxygen so I kept having dizzy spells. And the meds were making me moody when I wasn't sleepy. So I kept snapping and getting impatient with my body and annoyed with myself for bringing it on.

_And_ I hadn't heard his voice for weeks.

"Bella?" Jacob asked, staring at me. I nodded, and looked around to see if Charlie was coming. He was still getting out his car.

Jacob and Charlie had been so patient with me through the last two months. I knew I didn't deserve it, not at all, and I didn't see why they coped with my mood swings. Sam had tried to get me out again, I think he even threatened Jacob. He even came to speak to Charlie… that was one horrible evening.

I was upstairs, trying to cope with the hole Edward had left in my chest that was making my ribs hurt even more and my injury, which was stopping me breathing. I was trying to stop myself having another panic attack- I'd had one a few days prior.

Someone knocked on the door, and I heard Charlie answer it. It was a deep male voice, but it wasn't Billy or Jacob. Jacob would have come straight up to me anyway, whoever this was had gone into the lounge to talk to Charlie.

Holding my chest together I had stumbled across to the stair landing and I slid down the wall to the floor as I heard what Sam was saying.

"the panic attacks are just another sign, Chief Swan. She should have special treatment to stop these side-effects. Her mental condition can only get worse now."

"What condition could that be?" Charlie's voice had a deeper edge of what I hope was anger.

"The problems she's had since that… boyfriend left. Her condition could have been worse than you ever imagined. I, and several people I've spoken to, think she should… seek serious medical help… elsewhere."

"What? What's brought this on? She's been grieving for a boyfriend, a serious boyfriend who left without any warning. Of course she's hurting, but so does _every woman_!"

"I know, Charlie. But it was more serious for Bella. It's been like a coma for months now, and this injury had made things worse. I fear for her health."

"So do I, but she's _getting better, _Sam! And you have your boy Jacob to thank for a lot of that, I think. And he's really sweet on her! It'll break his heart if Bella leaves. Don't you care for his feelings?"

"Jacob is suffering too. From Bella's mood swings, and… her emotional state."

"And _what_ do you mean by that? Jacob has been brilliant with my girl's condition!" Charlie growled.

"I'm afraid on how it is affecting Jacob, not Bella. I don't think Bella's condition is an asset to the people around her. I don't like how it is affecting my… friends."

"You can't banish my daughter, Sam. This is ridiculous! Her condition is improving, I don't agree with you on how it affecting Jacob and she doesn't even live in your town!" Charlie was trying not to shout, but his voice was cracking.

"Your daughter should not be here, Chief Swan."

"Get out. Get out of my house." Charlie had growled. I heard the door slam.

Sam had tried to ban Jacob from seeing me, which he had ignored and I knew there had been some kind of fight there, for which I felt guilty about. I hated being the one responsible for fights, especially with Jacob. It was like I was a curse on the people around me. Maybe Sam was right. He had told me not to come back into La Push, but Jacob had forced me a couple of weeks later.

People had stared at me hostilely and no one spoke to me- not even Billy. That was the lowest blow. Billy stopped talking to me. I had not told Charlie about it- he relied on Billy's friendship too much, especially after Harry's death.

But Jake still stayed with me, refused to abandon me, even when everyone else he knew was shunning me. I hadn't seen Emily since the time I jumped. I owed him so much.

So I looked at Jacob and walked beside him to the hospital, squinting because the sun was right behind his head.

"Wait up a second, Bells!" Charlie ran up behind us. I didn't actually know why Charlie thought he had to come, he should have been working.

We waited for about five minutes in the waiting room until they called my name. Jake and I got up.

"Wait a moment, Jacob. Bella can go on her own." Jake and I looked at each other, confused.

"Uh, is that all right, Bells?" Jake asked.

"That's fine…" I shrugged, very confused.

The doctor examined my rib and questioned me about the pain and the effects of the meds. He said I was fine to come off the medication now that the pain was practically gone- only a whisper when I was panting or something.

When I went back into the waiting room, Jacob told me Charlie had gone back to work. It was a Sunday so we had the day to ourselves. We had planned to go to the field where we had learned to drive the motorcycles.

Jake and I sat against an oak at the side of the field. It was a cold day as usual, but I could feel the heat radiating off Jacob and shifted closer to him.

"So what did Charlie want?" I whispered, not sure why I was being quiet.

"He wanted to know how I felt about… looking after you. Especially with Sam acting so damn irrational. He wanted to know how I felt about you." Jacob murmured, looking me in the eyes.

"And you said?"

"I said I'd stick with you if the whole world abandoned you. You can't get rid of me." I laughed softly but my eyes had filled with emotion. I looked back up at Jacob, and he looked so genuine and loving. He bent down and brushed his lips against mine. I responded more enthusiastically than normal, with the emotions stirring inside me.

We stayed like that until the stars started to darken and we drove back to eat with Charlie. Jacob rarely ate with us because of Billy.

Charlie chatted to Jacob about the day and the problems he'd had with a certain car driver or something. Jacob looked at Charlie occasionally and responded a few times, but his eyes were locked on me, my eyes, my face, my hands. He seemed to just be watching me, for no reason. I felt myself blushing.

Occasionally Charlie said something that was unintentionally suggestive and Jacob and I burst out laughing together. And occasionally we were both looking at Charlie and then looked at each other at exactly the same moment to share a smile. Then Charlie started talking about the news.

"What was that, Dad?" I asked.

"There's been ten deaths now, I said." Charlie replied.

"What? Where?" I hadn't heard of anything new on the news

"Haven't you been listening? In Seattle. They're all mysterious and the police are at a loss. It's been over the past week or so, as well. Its been-"

"Do they think it's the same person?"

"Well, yeah 'cause the bodies are all found in weird places with an unknown cause of death, and all the disappearances are really curious too."

I looked at Jacob uncertainly. "I hope they find the murderer soon." Jacob said.

I had forgotten all about it when I was saying goodbye to Jake at the door, when Charlie had gone to watch television and left me with clearing up.

"Well, see you tomorrow then." I leaned up for a kiss, which Jacob obliged willingly. Then he broke off and held my shoulders in his hands, blowing his hot breath on my face.

"Bella, be careful, all right?" He whispered.

"What? Do you mean Victoria?" I asked.

"I don't know… but these killings in Seattle… they sound very mysterious. The pack is all wondering if it's a vampire. It could be the female but she hasn't been feeding like this before so we don't see why she should now." He stroked my face gently with his finger, then turned away.

At school the next day I sat next to Angela at lunch as usual. I noticed Ben was sitting across from her rather than beside her, for once. I asked her about it when we left for registration.

"You and Ben OK?" I asked.

"Sure," Angela replied. I looked at her eyes, which were looking away from me. She turned and saw my scrutiny.

"Well, I think our parents talked to each other and thought we were getting too serious. Our parents are both giving us grief and I think the tension at home is rubbing off between us. That's all."

"I'm sorry." I said.

"What about you and Jacob?"

"It's going fine. He's so… he's brilliant. He's sticking by me through all that's happening at the moment."

"Are you having family trouble too?" Angela asked.

"Yeah, I guess we are." I replied. Angela sighed.

"Would you mind going out to Port Angeles or something- to just relax, just us girls? I'd love an excuse just to forget the things going on at the moment." Angela looked at the floor shyly.

"Sure, Angela! I'd love to. When do you wanna go?" I asked, not averse at all to the thought of a girls night.

"Um… Thursday? After school? Do you want to go in the truck or my Golf?"

"Not sure if my truck could make it," I laughed.

"All right then, Thursday, my Golf." Angela got out her diary to write it in and I smiled at her organisation.

Jake was waiting for me at home after school and we watched television for a while, then he sat and chatted to me while I made dinner. Charlie phoned to say he was late because of work so I served dinner early for me and Jacob. I had made three times what I usually did to accommodate his huge appetite. This reminded me of Emily, which brought a pang of sadness while I was eating. Jacob seemed to sense this even though I said nothing, and his huge hand came down lightly on my own pale one. I turned my hand and threaded my fingers through with his. They fit like puzzle pieces and I smiled at them.

His hands were so beautiful, rough and large but somehow the way they touched mine was always so delicate and caring. I looked up to find his eyes boring into mine, with a fond smile lighting up his face. I used my other hand to stroke the planes of his cheekbones and spread my fingers into his short hair, and he shut his eyes and sighed. I smiled too and pulled his face towards mine with the hand in his black hair.

He didn't open his eyes, but responded to my lip's touch well enough and I grinned into him. He let go of my hand and cupped my face in his two hands, then drew me away from him so he could study my face. I relaxed into his palms and looked at his deep dark eyes.

"I love you." He whispered, I shut my eyes sadly.

"Please don't say that." I didn't see his response. Then his phone rang, ruining the moment, and he released my face so he could get it. As usual, it was Sam. Telling him to go out on patrol. Jacob looked at me apologetically and I shrugged. It was something I had to deal with if I was seeing a werewolf.

Charlie got back later, and I was huddled on a chair reading Wuthering Heights. I immediately got up so I could warm up his dinner for him. Unexpectedly, he came and sat down in the kitchen and talked to me. He looked like he'd had a hard day.

"You all right, Dad?" I asked. He grimaced slightly.

"You wanna talk about it?"

"S'alright Bells. Just don't… Don't go into Seattle, OK? Promise me." I blinked, then remembered the stuff on the news.

"Sure."

Then I served him dinner and he didn't say any more about it.

**Hehe! wot dyu think will happen now? I know some of you were annoyed with Sam, but it keeps the action going. seems lots of you are team jacob :P (curiously enough i'm not, but that might have affected the story). put a bit more bella/jacob fluff for u guys coz that mite get more limited now... :P**


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

"Hey, Jake, what's up?" I asked into the phone.

"You wanna do something today? I'm not exactly asking you to bunk off school, but today would be a convenient day for you to be sick." I looked out of the window and, sure enough, the sunlight was splintering through the spring air. I smiled.

"Sure, where do you want to go?" Charlie had already left for work, I hadn't seen him. So I could just phone the school and say I had the flu or something.

"I was thinking, I came across this… lake, freshwater lake, on patrol a couple of weeks ago. You wanna go swimming?" That was unexpected.

"All right. Um… need to find out if I own a swimming costume though."

"I'll pick you up in half an hour, OK?"

"OK, see you."

I searched everywhere, but I had obviously known when I originally packed for Forks that there was no swimming pool here and had not packed my Phoenix one. So I guessed I would have to wear my underwear with a t-shirt and shorts over the top or something. I could only find my old swimming costume that Charlie gave me for my sixth birthday. I laughed at it's size and imagined going swimming in it. Not a chance. It was pink and had a flaking logo of Barbie on the front. I had never been into Barbie, so that would explain why it was underneath my cupboard, buried in other old relics like the Barbie dolls Charlie had also got me for birthdays-at a loss at what else to get his young daughter.

I phoned school with a pathetic 'sick' voice- I really doubt Miss Cope believed it but she didn't really have much choice. She couldn't _tell_ me I was faking.

Jacob honked the horn outside and I packed the change of clothes and the towels into my schoolbag. Then I ran out the house, locking it and jumped into the truck. Jacob came out of his Rabbit.

"Um… why are you driving that?"

"Meant to be at school, remember? So need to appear like I am, take vehicle with me etc, in case Charlie gets back." Jacob grinned at me and headed back to his car.

"All right, but follow me closely all right? I wouldn't put it past you to get lost."

"Shut up, Jake. Get your ass back into your Rabbit." I laughed. He opened the truck door and pecked my lips with a grin before he went back. My growling engine roared over his Rabbit and I let him drive for at least fifty metres before I followed- just in case I crushed his auto-masterpiece.

We drove into La Push, and I didn't recognise the route once we turned off the road in the opposite direction to the beach, heading for the mountains and deeper into the woods. It got darker and darker under the dense trees but eventually the road stopped and Jake stopped and got out. I followed.

"You made it then, Bells?" I stuck my tongue out at him.

"So where is this lake?" I asked, getting my swimming stuff out the truck.

"It's a mile that way." Jake pointed. I raised my eyebrows.

"A mile?" Lots of rocks and trees and roots and air to trip over. I'd be black and blue by the time we started swimming.

"Well, there is a way I could try… to get you there. I don't know if it would work but…" He looked at me. I was getting a feeling of déjà vu.

"Yes?" I murmured. He looked at my dreading expression.

"Oh never mind, it probably wouldn't have worked anyway." He looked down.

"No, it's all right, Jake. I'll take your stuff, you phase." He looked in my eyes warily, checking them for my emotions. But I was determined. I could try, at least. I had decided to try and make it work with Jacob. He put his hot hand to my face.

"You sure, Bells? You don't look it." I nodded. "All right. But if it doesn't work, yell and we'll stop, OK? We'll go slowly first, and faster if you say it's OK. Make sure you hold on tight. You got that? I wouldn't bear it if I hurt you." I nodded again. He got a bag out of his car, and locked it. He gave me the bag, then went into the trees to change. I turned away, and jumped when a moment later, a wet nose pressed lightly against my elbow.

His lips were open, as if he were laughing at my jump. I couldn't help but grin back- his wolfy smile as infectious as his human one. His clothes were tied around his ankle, I noticed. I put his smaller bag into my own rucksack, tightened it on my back.

Then I hesitated. I walked around to Jake's back. It was higher than I thought. How was I going to get on? If I jumped, I might hurt him. But most likely myself. I put my hand on his russet coat, deliberating. It was really warm. I stroked it without thinking about it, marvelling at the beautiful feel of the rough fur somehow soft under my fingers. Jacob's eyes were closed.

I had an idea. I walked over to my truck, gently pulling Jake's fur to make him follow. I opened the truck door and stood on the small step that would give me more height. Seeing my idea, Jake moved as close as he could to the door. I stuck my leg out over his back, worried about my balance. Then my balance pushed me forward and I clung to his fur to stop me rolling off the other side. Which I was very close to doing. I pulled myself back up by pulling on his fur as gently as possible, then tried to shut the truck door.

I had the strange feeling of riding a horse. Renee had made me come with her to a stables once, and I had a riding lesson. It was fine at first, but then my oversized horse got spooked by a plastic bag and cantered across the ménage. I clung on for dear life, my feet coming out the stirrups and bouncing up and down on the saddle so hard I had bruises on my butt for weeks. But Jake's wolf form felt a lot smaller to my legs, warmer and I curled my legs around him, gripping him with my knees. I deliberated, then decided that hugging my arms around him too would probably make me more secure. I leant forward and wrapped my arms around him too, burying my face in his thick fur. I just heard the beating of his heart before I felt him move.

It was much more delicate than I thought I would be, and at first he was barely jogging, and I could feel him lightly avoiding trees.

"Try going faster," I urged as loudly as I could. Jake picked up pace, and the familiarity of the eagerness and exhilaration I felt beaming off his body was dreadfully familiar. But it felt a lot more real, and I was so welded to him the constant jumping and avoiding didn't make me feel sick. It was like I was part of him.

I dared to peek from his fur, and he was going a lot faster than I thought. He was deftly leaping around trees, across rocks, over rivers. It felt so natural and his body barely swayed beneath me. It felt like I was riding something incredibly nimble and graceful as well as powerful and strong. I felt the exhilaration build up in me as I lifted my head more.

"Faster" I called joyfully, feeling the wind whip at my face as he obliged. I began to bounce more as I lifted my head up, so I lowered it again, and relished the feeling of being part of Jacob and having such an insight into him as he bounded effortlessly through the trees.

**Thanks reviewers! you make my day :D i cant believe I have 78 reviews now! it makes me smile. Thanks for telling me your 'team'. i like aw-vampwolf-lover-17's pov, ur hoping for the track im going to lead b&j in. this chapter was a bit more bj fluff for you romantics before some action shakes them up a bit! lol.**

**also, if anyone could, id b REALLY grateful if youd tell me wot u think about my new story, No Questions Forgotten Names. Its quite different, and I've only had one review. I'll dedicate the next chapter of this to anyone who does :D:D:D please :P**

**please review :) the buttons just there V**


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13 **

_Wow_, I thought. If I'd known there was something this beautiful this close to home I would have combed Forks to find it.

The banks were all wet moss and damp rocks, tilting towards the bank of the lake so subtly there was barely a difference. The rocks became more popular closer to the edge so through the clear glass of the gently rippling lake I could see the floor of slate grey stones worn smooth by decades of currents. The soil beneath my feet was marshy and sodden, but somehow it added to the charm. This place was nestled in the crotch of a valley, so all the water that graced Forks settled here before running down to the sea.

I could see a slight current, not enough to bother me, but enough to stop the water getting stagnant and dirty. I smiled at Jacob, but he had moved into the surrounding forest to change. I took off my outer clothes so I could swim in the shorts and shirt I had underneath. I put them in my bag, which I hung on a tree, before wondering how cold the water would be. I remembered the temperature of the sea when I cliff-dived, and shuddered. I took a deep breath, preparing myself for the cold water, thinking of how to get in so the shock would be less.

Suddenly I was in the air and the lake was getting much closer much quicker.

"Jake!" I screamed, as he threw me in. The water hit me like a icy slap and my hair was stuck all over my skin when I came up. Aw, crap, I'd forgotten to tie it up. I heard Jacob's laughter and splashed in the direction, trying to blink the watery haze from my eyes. I shivered. It was freezing.

I pulled my hair from my face as my sight came back. Jacob was a few feet away, bare-chested, laughing while watching my reaction. I splashed him again. He immediately dived at me, grabbing my hands. His hands felt even hotter when I was in the freezing hold of the lake. I twisted away, but he pulled one arm over my head so I was twisted around, my back to him.

Two could play that game, I smiled. I pushed my feet from the stony bed so my body dipped into the water, pulling me down with it. Jacob dropped me in surprise. I turned in the water so I could splash him by kicking. /he grabbed my ankles immediately and I struggled to hold myself up in the water. Suddenly he yanked my ankles toward him, putting them either side of his body so I was wrapped around his waist. He leaned forward and pulled me out of the water, towards him. I smiled at him. He was looking at my face, brushing his fingers down my cheeks.

I put an arm around his neck to anchor myself to him, and pushed my lips against his gently. He responded by gently taking my bottom lip in his. I wound my other hand into his hair, a little wet from the splashing. I pulled his head closer to mine and began kissing him with more passion. His grip on my legs, holding me to him, became tighter as he responded more passionately. The heat coming from his body was all over me.

His tongue came out and greeted mine, without entering either mouth we brushed them together, and Jacob changed my weight so he could hold me with one arm. His other hand came slowly up my back as his kisses became more passionate and careless. He wrapped a hand into my hair, fastening me to him. I had to breathe and broke away gasping, and he pushed me back to him with a groan.

And the kissing began again with a new aggressive intensity. Jacob freed my legs so I could stand in the water again. I barely noticed how cold it was, pressed up against Jacob. His hands came down on my hips, holding me to him close. My hands slid down from his neck down his chest. He felt so strong under my hands, I found myself feeling down his arms and chest. His tongue was exploring my mouth, and I had to break away to breathe again. Jacob moved his mouth away from my lips and across my cheek and he panted into my hair. I shuddered in pleasure. His hands came up my body so his thumbs brushed over my breasts. I pulled his chin back to me to kiss him again.

I wasn't sure I wanted him to touch me like that. I knew I was just beginning to get over Edward, but I couldn't help comparing everything to him. Edward was always so careful- he wouldn't have been able to kiss me with this much passion so close to the surface. He never touched me like Jacob just had, I wasn't even sure if he'd wanted me that way. But Jacob's desire was tangible, and it flowed through his hot kisses and passionate hold on me. His kisses felt so much more human, like my life was travelling down the road it should do naturally. Isn't that what… Edward wanted? Me to carry on as if he had never been there?

Jacob grunted and his hands went back down my body again. I pulled back from him, smiling. He got the message. We could continue this later, and it was getting colder. He went into the woods to change while I tried to dry myself and change as quickly as I could. A new cold wind had started up, which made me feel guilty again. The wind was brushing through my wet hair and caressing me, and my mind was filled with thoughts of Edward again.

But I hadn't betrayed him. There wasn't any feelings he had that I was betraying. Just my own. But the wind didn't relent, and I shivered as I put on my new clothes, trying to escape it's cold grasp. I turned around, shivering, to see Jacob. I slung my bag over my shoulder and clambered onto his back, winding my hands into his thick russet fur and wrapping myself around him. The air rushed by us as Jacob bounded away. I lifted my head from his fur bravely, so I could see the forest whipping by. Instead of making me feel sick or dizzy, or even worried, my heart filled to bursting with tear-inducing love for Jacob. It felt so natural, the carefree running of a wolf through his home, leaping around trees and ditches like he knew every one by heart.

My heart sped up and my cheeks flushed with adrenaline. I felt my hair dry behind me in the wind gushing past my ears. I wasn't even cold and couldn't shiver because my muscles were so tense from the thrill of the ride.

All too soon, we were back on the track that led to the cars. The journey back seemed longer than the journey there. I suspected he'd taken a detour. I grinned. When he came to a stop I buried my face in his fur, not wanting to let go, partly because I loved the ride and partly because I knew I would fall to the ground ungracefully. Jacob chuckled. Then I felt a nose nudge me. I didn't raise my head, merely my hand to swat it. A barking laugh came again, and I got a bigger nudge, enough that shoved me off so I landed on my ass. I frowned. Jacob nudged my shoulder again before walking into the trees to change. I yanked myself of my bottom and brushed myself down. I combed my fingers through my hair… it was damp and straggly and felt like a bush.

Then I felt a hot hand on mine, combing through my hair with a touch so delicate it was barely there. I leaned my head back into his hands, and the stroking became more persistent until he spun me around and clamped his mouth down on mine. I was surprised to feel that he was wearing a shirt over his usually-bare chest.

Just as passionate as it had been down the lake, I wondered why he was being so… desperate. The fury and love in the kiss were sped up as if he was expecting them to disappear at any moment. It made me feel uneasy.

Maybe I was just imagining things. It wouldn't be the first time. It was like the cold breeze that suddenly whipped up next to the lake… something had changed. It was coming.

I disengaged myself from him to get my breath back, and Jacob's eyes opened, surveying mine as his lips brushed my chin. I hitched my bag forward so I could get my keys out. Jacob understood and moved away, grabbing his own and moving to the Rabbit.

I led the way back to mine. I checked the time. Four in the afternoon? It was later than I thought… time passed quickly. I longed to be back in Jacob's arms again, it was cold and… almost eerie, in the truck on my own. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was being followed.

Then I remembered Victoria. I couldn't believe I'd forgotten her. I'd been so distracted. That would explain the creepy cold feeling I was getting. But I wasn't scared… I just felt like… something was going to change. I shivered. I didn't want anything to change. I'd _finally_ picked myself up- I was moving on. From Edward. I couldn't face any more change.

And Jacob was acting strange too. Could he feel it as well? Or was he reacting to my unease? I hoped the feeling I had had nothing to do with him. It was all superstition anyway. But what was superstition anymore? Coming from the girl who had affairs with vampires and werewolves. I shuddered. Everything meant something.

A hand rapped on my window. I jumped, then rolled my eyes at myself. We'd got to mine and I'd forgotten to get out. I grabbed my bag and jumped out. I'd barely shut the door before I was slammed against the truck again by Jacob. His mouth came hard on mine again, and this time I could feel every inch of him against every inch of me. I struggled to breathe while he planted hot kisses down my jaw and neck, forcing my head up to examine the sky. He pressed me harder against the truck, and I tried to steady my breathing.

Finally he freed me, grinning into my face. I smiled back, still not recovered. I took his hand, which made his grin wider, and led him inside. I moved quickly before he tried to make out with me on the doorstep. I led him up to my room again, the room that I had cried buckets in last time he's seen it. Somehow seeing it relit the flames that had been blazing between Jacob and I at the lake. I turned to see Jake looking awkwardly at the carpet, and I put my hands on his chest. I looked up at him through my eyelashes, and his head came down slowly to greet me.

His lips gently massaged mine, and my tongue swept his lips, eliciting a deep groan from him. His hands came up on my waist and pulled my body flush with his. Suddenly his lips were assaulting my jaw, my neck, my collarbone. I rubbed my cheek on his head, causing him to bring his lips back to mine again. My hands felt their way up his chest until I rode it up so much that Jacob broke the kiss to pull it off him. We paused for a moment before I reached for him again, feeling the hot planes of his chest under my fingers.

Jacob's hands were in my hair, caressing it, letting it run over his fingers. He had stopped kissing me, to tuck me under his chin so he could watch my hair run through his fingers. I didn't mind, so long as I felt his arms around me and his body close. I was examining his body for myself.

Then I started pressing kisses against his neck, running them up to his jaw. My hands stretched up to the back of his neck, and I gently tugged his hair to pull his face back to mine.

"Bella," Jacob murmured before his lips met mine again, slow but still passionate and moving, like a lava flow rather than wildfire. I stroked his hair, just growing long again, long enough for him to tie it in a ponytail. I pulled out the tie, feeling it run over my hands like silk. I pulled at it, stroking it and the head it belonged to. Then I wrapped my fingers in it and pushed Jacob to me with new ferocity. His hands, now on my back, clenched me tighter to him, and he slowly moved me back to the bed.

I felt his lashes brush me as he opened his eyes, asking my permission, and I twirled my tongue around his in agreement. He groaned again into my mouth, and pushed me onto the bed without breaking the embrace.

It felt very different now, with Jacob on top of me. I could feel his heart's wild beat, all the heat radiating off him and into me, our tongues twirling in the gap between our faces, his hands over my body, holding me closer…

And my hands, still exploring the hard muscles under his soft dark skin, his dark hair which now pulled down over me like two curtains. He wasn't supporting himself off the bed, so I was finding it hard to breathe again. He realised this the moment I thought it, and rolled over, tossing me on top of him. I didn't lose contact with his tongue, but I opened my eyes so I could see him. My leg fell between his, making him groan. I felt pretty hot myself, and pulled my tongue from his to place kisses down his neck again. This time I led them further down, over his chest. Then his hands pulled me up again and he assaulted my lips, while his hands gently felt their way up my shirt.

His hot touch was firing up my skin, and I moaned into his mouth, before pulling myself off him for a moment.

"Jacob," I moaned softly. His legs clenched around mine, and I heard a faint creak and thump coming from the window. I was about to turn my head and look, but Jacob pulled my head back down to his again. His hands were on my back, and I tried to lead one down to my shirt again, but he seemed to resist. I shifted myself on him, and felt his reaction, then tried to move his hand again.

"Bella," Jacob groaned.

"Yes?" I asked, running my hand down his chest.

"Don't." He murmured, strained. I frowned. I leaned up off his chest, noticing it was darker outside. "Don't move too fast." I could hear the strain behind his words, but I didn't want to hear the sense behind them. I leaned back in to kiss him again, but he dodged. He rolled onto his side, then eased himself off the bed. His hair was messy and knotted, his lips swollen and pants creased. He picked up his shirt again. I pulled my own down, feeling rejected. He came and sat next to me.

"Some on, Bells. I just want this to last. I want to make this," he cupped my face in his large hand, "to last." And with that he kissed my lips softly, then groaned again and got up, putting his shirt on as he left. I heard the Rabbit drive away quietly. I buried my head in my pillow, trying to calm my body down. I had never had any kind of session like that with Edward. My hormones felt like they were going to fry me.

I wondered about Jacob's hesitancy. How far was I prepared to go with Jacob? I knew Angela had barely passed second base, and Jessica had gone the whole way. But Jacob stopping before he would touch me? It was decent, but I hoped it wouldn't last. My body was fed up of waiting. Edward had never been able to bring himself to go in certain directions with me- I'd always thought it was because he was afraid, to hurt me or to lose control. But it was because he didn't love me. I wondered, again, how I'd never noticed.

I heard Charlie's cruiser pull in and sighed as I pulled myself off the bed, wiping away a few tears, to prepare his dinner.

A cold breeze came in as Charlie opened the door. It made me shiver again, like the breeze at the lake. I greeted Charlie quietly, distracted. The wind was changing again. Everything meant something.

**Hey, back again! Sorry for the late update, but I've been really busy. And I've got two other stories to work on. And this isn't the priority at the moment because hardly anyone reviews! Come on, there are loads of updates for this story and I only get ten reviews! **

**I know the updates arent that long, sorry. the next one will be longer if you review! if you want long updates, go for my other story No Questions, Forgotten Names. But this is the longest update yet! I'm improving.**

**Okay, so I'll make a deal. If I get 25 reviews for this, I'll update in the next week. I really am sorry for the late update on this one, but if I get a good response I'll update really quickly, okay? So, aiming for 119 reviews. If its not there yet, review, and update will come really quickly. The next chapter is the one you're looking for… the winds are changing! **

**119…**


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14 **

"You ready to go now, Bella?" Angela asked. I looked through my locker one last time.

"It's not here…" I mumbled.

"Sorry, what isn't? Can I help?"

"My glove." I laughed softly, surprised at myself. "It's probably down the backseat of the truck." I shut the locker. "Let's go."

We walked down to her Golf- I'd left my truck at home and got a lift that morning- and I realised that I couldn't have left it in my truck so it must be in the Golf. I looked as I got in, but I couldn't see it. It was probably at home.

Port Angeles was quieter than usual- the sky was low, heavy and dark and I suspected that the events in Seattle were cutting down people's trips. There was an icy wind that cut across my face and into my eyes.

"You want to eat or something or shall we have a look around and then eat?" I asked

"Wander for a bit, but then eat, I think." Angela replied.

So we did wonder for a bit, but the tension in the atmosphere due to the scarcity of people was ever present and walking outside was awkward. And the clouds were getting darker by the minute, so we went into a small Chinese.

It was dark and dingy inside, and we immediately regretted going in. But we were already on the edge of town and finding another place to eat would have taken another ten minutes, so we stayed.

"I'm really worried Ben likes someone else." Angela confessed quietly after a waiter took our orders. "If he did, I'm sure he wouldn't say anything, so he wouldn't hurt my feelings. He's so kind, he doesn't even tell me when he doesn't like my plans for a date or something. I have to guess."

"What makes you think he likes someone else?"

"He just… I don't even know. I just have this feeling. Because I'm so happy with him, even after all this time, it just doesn't feel like it belongs to me. And I keep thinking, what if he did want to break up with me? I don't think he could, he's too… nice. And I want him to be happy, I don't want to feel like I'm holding him back."

"So you just have this feeling?" I asked, looking down. "Nothing more." I didn't get any vibes before Edward left me. Maybe there were plenty, but I just didn't notice. I thought he loved me right up to the last moment. I would have betted my life on it. Maybe I didn't know him well enough to be able to tell.

"Well, yes. But I can't help wondering what he would do if he did want to end it."

"Why don't you ask him? Just quietly, after having a nice evening or something, when you're more confident and comfortable."

"I guess I should try. I'm so scared about losing him though, he means so much to me."

"I know what you mean." I murmured, fingering a paper napkin lightly. Angela looked at me and realised what I meant. I could immediately tell that she was sorry to bring something up that was affecting me. The waiter brought us our orders in the silence.

"I'm so sorry, Bella." She whispered.

"It's okay, Angela. I wish I'd had some warning. But I thought he loved me right until- well. I kind of knew he shouldn't have ever been with me. I just wish I knew… what changed. I guess it must have been in Phoenix." I whispered to stop my voice breaking.

"So there was… no warning?"

"I don't think I would have noticed if there was. Maybe I didn't know him as well as I thought I did."

Angela sighed, at a loss of something to say. We ate in silence, not awkwardly, but both contemplating our own and each other's problems.

"If… there isn't anything happening now, and it is all in your imagination, how long do you think you will be with Ben?" I asked. Human relationships were so different to mine.

"I think we could be together for a really long time, and I think maybe Ben knows that. Maybe that's why he feels unsure… We were talking about university applications the other day. I hope we go to the same place, I'd hate to have a long distance relationship with him, I'd always feel like he would meet someone better than me."

"Does he ever say anything that makes you think that?"

"Well, no. But that makes me even more frightened, you see? I just wish I was bold enough to ask him."

The waiter came back and asked if we needed anything. We declined, still picking at our food.

"Do you feel like that about Jacob?" Angela asked. I was a little surprised at her boldness.

"Um, I think he's confident and bold enough to say if he felt differently… but with him, I'm fairly sure there isn't. I don't know why, but I can understand the way he thinks so well sometimes. It's like our minds are closely connected enough to be related, I know him so well."

"Do you think you know him better than Edward?"

"Yes… He was always a mystery to me. I never properly understood why he chose me, I still don't. But Jacob, it's like he was the path meant for me, it makes sense to be with him."

"Are you going out with him now?"

"I think so. We haven't confirmed it, but we don't need to. It's sort of just slipped into being, this relationship. It's natural. I rely on him so much, though. I really need this to work. I need him."

"Do you love him?" Angela asked.

I looked down. In truth, I had no idea. I had no idea what kind of emotion my broken heart was capable of. I just knew that being with Jacob lessened the pain. I loved him as a friend, and he was almost family he was so close to me, but I wasn't in love with him. I didn't know if I could possibly be in love again.

"How far did you go with him?" Angela asked, going a bit pink. I felt myself blushing too.

"We've just kissed." I mumbled, my face blushing deeper. Angela noticed and smiled.

"Anything else?"

"Well," I elaborated, "he did try to- touch me, but it didn't… It felt wrong. I don't know why or how, but it did and I pulled away. But we carried on kissing-"

"How did it end?" Angela asked.

"Um, well, things were getting a bit too heated and he explained that, then got off the bed and-"

"The bed? You were on a _bed_?"

"Well, yeah-"

"You went on the bed but-"

"No we didn't. But it was quite… passionate." I laughed. "Pudding?" Angela looked at her watch. We both still had work to do.

"Is it all right if we go now?" She asked. I nodded so we got the bill and put on our coats.

A cold wind hit us when we came out of the restaurant. It shot straight through my ears and I shivered violently. I hadn't a scarf or gloves or anything. It was dark already, the glowing moon creeping up its silent path in the sky.

"Where's the car?" I asked. Angela pointed up the street.

"Well, it's by the tourist shops. We could take the shortcut through the estate but it _is_ dark already and with the increased crime rate I think we'd best stay on the lit roads." I nodded. I'd already had an episode on these streets. We walked up slowly, talking about studies. Darkness was pressing down, suddenly it felt a lot heavier. I looked up but heavy clouds had covered the sky. Then I realised.

"Angela? There aren't any streetlamps on this road… Are we going the right way?" She looked around. We were already a few blocks away from the road she'd said we should have taken. We turned around.

There was a weird feeling in the air- it was making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I guessed Angela could feel it too, because we weren't talking, and we began walking faster. I saw her close her hand around her bag instinctively. I took a breath to ask her how long-

"Sorry?" Angela asked.

"What?" I asked, frowning. "I didn't say anything." I looked around at the hollow street.

She looked around, her eyes wide. "I heard your name…" I gasped.

"What do you mean?" A cold shiver dripped down my spine.

"I don't know… but I heard someone say your name. It was just a whisper… maybe I imagined…" But she looked certain, and her eyes danced around the tall bushes lining the roads.

"Let's walk in the centre of the road." I suggested, trying to forget the terrifying fact that someone who knew me could be following us.

Angela grabbed my arm. I jumped inadvertently, she apologized.

"Look, Bella, this is the shortcut we could have taken. We'll be there in only a minute and I don't like the feel of tonight…" She trailed off. I nodded. It was a narrow alleyway that twisted around the various houses between it and the next road.

We started hurrying down it. The garden walls seemed to grow, making me feel claustrophobic and even more frightened. We should have stayed on a lit road. Then Angela gasped. I looked at her. Her face was white.

"I can hear someone following us." She whispered. I could hear it too. And it sounded like more than one person. We stood, frozen, for a moment, and then we both started running at the same time.

At first I couldn't hear the footfalls behind us, my own feet were too loud, my blood pounding in my ears. I was trying to concentrate on staying upright as I ran, keeping Angela in sight.

Then the thump of heavy footfalls became a lot louder and frequent behind us, and I could hear them talking to us, yelling at us, but I was concentrating on running too much to understand them-

"Keep running Bella!" Edward's voice was so loud in my head I thought it was real for a moment. But in a startled glance to Angela, who was still staring straight ahead as she sprinted to get out of the shortcut, which seemed to be a lot longer than what she described, she obviously hadn't heard it. Then my foot caught and I went stumbling to the ground.

"Get up, Bella!" Edward's voice ordered. Angela skidded to a halt and pulled at my arm. But it was too late, and she froze as two people came around the last twist in the path. Before I could move, one man had pinned Angela against the fence, and I felt an agonising pain in my knee. Then, as if my brain had been delayed into slow mode, I heard the sickening crunch that matched the pain.

"BELLA!" Edward's voice shouted. His voice sent a surge of bravery through me, and I looked up into my attacker's face. I had a fraction of a moment to take in the unshaven, bald head before my head snapped instinctively to Angela's voice. My entire self suddenly latched on to the one word I heard her say, my heart hearing the possible meaning before my mind dared to allow it to be woven into thoughts…

"Edward…?" She whispered. Then the man whose foot was grinding into my leg suddenly smashed into the wall of the alley with a loud crack, his head hitting my ankle as it came down, rolling onto his side. His face was blank, his eyes rolled into his head.

In the same instant, Angela was stumbling towards me, her attacker nowhere in sight. She fell down next to me, her eyes popping out of her head. She was clutching her throat in pain. There was silence for a long second before something jumped in front of me, suddenly inches from me. I leaned away in fright.

Then I recognised him.

And my heart had a moment to shudder and twitch and fit before my body went limp. A cold hand caught my head before it fell to the ground. My eyes shut tight against me. I couldn't believe the extent my hallucinations had gone.

"Bella?" A hoarse croak of the velvet that haunted my mind. I turned my head away. My heart was spasming in pain. I couldn't deal with this.

Another gasp alerted me to the fact Angela was with me. My eyelids flew open to look at this piece of reality, but I met a pair of black eyes set in a pale white face, inches from my own. The cold hands pulled me back up to lean me against the alley wall. I searched for Angela. She was staring at the pale face with huge eyes. And I could barely tear my eyes from him.

The pain in my knee of a moment ago gone, I couldn't trust my body to embrace him. How could I- it couldn't be real.

"Bella." The velvet whispered again, and I felt long fingers stroke my face. My eyes glued to his, I couldn't blink for fear that this illusion would be washed away.

"Edward…" I whispered. A word long dried on my lips, it sounded strange and alien. I had sidestepped it in my mind, avoided thoughts and cringed to hear it.

The eyes were raking my eyes, trying to scratch free the thoughts they could never reach.

**Okay, I know you hate me, and I'm so sorry this has taken so long to update. It's really inexcusable, I know. But this was quite difficult to write, I could never get it quite right. And it's also not very long, I decided to write a bit more with Angela because it's really not long enough to be worth the wait. **

**So if I have any readers left, reviews will make me update again. Please tell me what you want to happen. This story says Bella/Jacob but now Edward's back I'm not really sure who she's going to choose. I have the next few chapters planned, but I don't know what she's going to choose, and whether I should change it from Jacob/Bella to Edward/Bella or just Bella so you guys can't guess who she will choose. But I'd appreciate knowing what you guys want to happen, and what you liked in this chapter.**


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